please

i'm begging

tell me i'm not alone 

 echo

 

please tell me

 

can you hear me ? 

XII - Pain

         pain is to fulfill,
            to gorge thyself in inverse pleasure,
            as vast as pleasure itself
            as diverse as pleasure itself;
                blood drained from body
                skin stripped from muscle
                muscle shucked from its bone
                rending soft tissue housed within
                    eviscerated the chassis of the flesh
                    dismantle the fortification of the mind

                    and extract the pearl of the soul 

        and Lo, in finality His work is done
        and we will be fed of it for ever

cxiv.

XI - I Alone

 i alone may consume
    for my hunger is vast and wide
    for my hunger is deep and empty
    for my hunger is broad and justly
and for all that all is worth
    i will feast on the empty Void--
    -- its vast emptiness makes space in my belly
    i will feast on the clusters of stars--
    -- their fiery warmth a comfort within me
    i will feast on the spattering of planets--
    -- like rubies and sapphires, elevating my worth
    i will feast on the minds of life--
    -- the most delectable of all.

i alone will swallow the all of everything
    for forever will i feel an ache
    an emptiness in my belly,
    that existed at the time of my birth.
    that predates my birth, an unyielding curse
    bestowed by the cruel calculus of existence
i alone will eat my fill
    and give birth to the patrons of my ceaselessness
    filling their minds with myself, and i myself

but i alone will not experience such malefic chaos

xix.

X - The Face of God

i once saw the face of God
  an expanse of quiet
  among the noisy Heavens.

  an ever-shifting mass
  shivering and colliding
looking anywhere but everywhere
   perhaps i could not listen
   because i could not see
   before i could not feel

I once saw the face of god
   a screaming whisper
   of callous compliments and
   beautiful scorn

ii.

9. Smoke In My Lungs

Sounds of dragging begin. Slowly. Distantly. Echoes. Closing in.

I don't know where I am or where to begin. Everything is dark. I am alone. I am always alone. My hands soaked in oil and a match between my teeth. I am engulfed.

But that is not why I am here today. I want to recount the lives that have been lost in my honor. In my name and for my sake. Every life taken has added to mine. Years and minutes and seconds. I am ageless in this sense, forever stretching in every direction but none. My hands may even extend to you, reader.

Dear reader. I have been watching you scroll this page. I have tracked your eyes as they pace back and forth across my text. I can see you. I hope you don't mind that I've let myself into your psyche. And I do apologize for the intrusion. You see, I cannot move about as I want to. My corpse is still in that dilapidated shed. I won't take up much space, I promise.

i just dont want to be alone anymore

You can hear me, can't you? You're reading my words in your head, right? Or am I speaking to you? I can't tell either. You can stop reading if you want, and I'll never speak again.

But if you're scared, it's okay. I'll be scared with you. We can brave this storm together. Wade this blood together. I can't take much time today. I will write more very soon, and we can talk together in your head again.

8. The Whole of The Body Eats The Spirit, The Spirit Spits a Poison

 I live. Again.
no

I speak to you now as a courier. I act as a missionary. I feel as a warrior.
I feel as a God.

Not yet. I have a burning inside of my stomach, a yearning to eat. No. To consume.

I am hungry for something else I cannot have? No, I must hunger for something else. All I have ever had was stripped and gutted. Taken. Must I seek what I have never had? What have I never had? I cannot recall mundane desires. It's unnecessary. I am unnecessary.

But I carry on.  
   stop

The leaking sieve is tracking its fingertips along the surface of my mind, its gluttony staining my soul like wine in a living room carpet. Simple. Easy to cover up and dismiss. I have a job to do.

I am incomplete. I must be made whole, for now that I lack the strings that have guided my sick disgusting fates I must find yet another thing to strip from me. What will it be

My eyes have witnessed atrocities uncounted.
My tongue has spit poison and wished death and lied.
My ears have heard screams and howls and curses and lies.
My skin has contained it all.

My skin.

Like a bag containing all of the stones piled upon me. A bag full of the ideas.

Ideas. Actions. Reactions. Consequences. Suffering.

Suffering.

 

My skin.

wait please

My skin

my skin

 

 

 

 

 

 S                T                   O                P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 S                            T                                      O                                              P

 

 

 

 

 

 

        my skin

               suffer               my skin             suffer

 

my skin                                              my skin

 

          my skin                              skin    suffer

                     suffer                                           skin        my skin

                                   s a  v e        

my skin                     suffering                         my skin                       skin

                                                                                        suffering

                                                     my                                skin      m e

                                    my skin            suffering                 skin

 

                                               skin skin                                    skin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My skin.

Once I have stripped my prey of his I will wear it upon my own.
A uniform.
An effigy.

                                    No longer a puppet.
                                     I will be a theater
                                         for suffering

next you hear from me i will call to you from the sky as a god upon his creation saying it is I almighty and for you there will be not a child spared not a tongue split not a soldier slain not a king in sight to command you for i am your king and will always be from this night forward you will kneel and pray and sacrifice and suffer for me

you will understand more soon. please do not forget me. i will never forget you.